FE’s New Year’s Resolution Guide

By Andrew Court, Lifestyle Editor

It’s that time of year again.

You joked at the office holiday party and now have a meeting scheduled with HR. Christmas morning involved a half-dozen cinnamon rolls and mimosas. To round it all off New Year’s Eve was spent running around in the snow naked then puking in your wife’s best friend’s shoe closet. 

Probably you’re feeling guilty and it’s only natural to want to change. That’s where New Year’s resolutions come in.

The New Year is the perfect inflection point to try and reform your evil ways. In most of the country the weather sucks so there aren’t beer soaked BBQs or debaucherous “fishing” trips on the horizon.  Every January 2nd the line stretches out the door at Crunch fitness, and beds get made with Green Beret precision. 

Self-improvement is usually positive, but for fuck’s sake don’t take it too far. You definitely shouldn’t make major life decisions on New Year’s Eve. As Hemingway said, “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” My guess is after previous years you’ve a lot of reasons to keep quiet. 

Why let a bunch of California yogis fresh off hemp enemas bully you into change? On the other side of the coin Seal Team Six can probably survive without your services and, unless you’re that guy asking the wife for permission to buy watches, you probably don’t want a drill sergeant busting your balls at home.

So here’s our guide to New Year’s resolutions that maximize on what already makes you great. Trust me, this list will be a lot more fun than what society is telling you.

Gain Twenty Pounds: Gaining weight is the new losing weight if you listen to the “Body Positive” woke, and for once they might have a point. Despite what you hear from your doctor, peak male performance exists at the threshold of obesity. Dad bods are in. Heft lends kingly gravitas and discourages superfluous movement. You can literally throw your weight around from golf tournaments to bar brawls.

Skip Work More: We’ve all been there. You wait until the weekend to go hunting/fishing/skiing and your favorite spots are packed with assholes who didn’t realize it’s not their turn. Avoid all of this by playing hooky from work. Your career stacking kitty litter at Pet’s Mart can probably chill for a day. Call in and mention COVID diarrhea, no one will ask questions. If you’re the CEO say it’s a business retreat and expense it to the company.

Sleep In: This one comes from personal experience. Last year I made the resolution to get up at 6am. I felt drowsy all day, and any productivity gained in the morning was lost in mid day siestas. Relax and get extra sleep, you will feel a whole lot better. The only exception to this is fishing. I have no idea why but fish only seem to get bamboozled by a hook if it is cast right around sunrise.

Don’t Start a Podcast: Everywhere I turn, someone is starting a podcast because they want to be a “thought leader” and grow their “influence.” This can be very tempting, so it may take a lot of discipline to resist the urge to become a total tool. Even my party friends think the general public is demanding three-hour episodes where they describe the girls they did, and mostly didn’t, sleep with. No one wants to listen to this shit; your loved ones already got enough of your yapping over the holidays.

Do a Real Sport: In the immortal words of Kenny Powers, “I play a real sport, I don’t try to be the best at exercise.” This biggest cliche in the New Year’s resolution book is to go to the gym more. Fuck that, go out and do a sport or hobby you actually enjoy. Stalk an elk, don’t walk on a treadmill. Shoot skeet. Even it requires getting off your ass. Softball isn’t a terrible option for the suburbanites, provided you always carry the beer cooler. If you’re really lost for options, do all the projects and chores your chick has been nagging you about. That’ll definitely wear you out.