The guys at Field Ethos (FE) arranged a monumental sit down interview with Don Trump Jr. and Hunter Biden. Below is a transcript of that interview:
FE: Our nation is so divided and a lot of people see the two of you as examples of the polarization of the country. But actually, you share a lot in common. As two sons of presidents we hope that the people will see your shared experiences as a place to find common ground and begin healing the divide that is so deep in this country.
To start, you’re both family men and both fathers of 5 children, right?
Don: That’s right. Vanessa and I had five kids in 6 years. My oldest daughter is only 15 and one of the top-ranked golfers in the country. My boys are great outdoorsmen and my youngest daughter is the cutest, smartest firecracker you could imagine.
Hunter: (*coughing*) In the US and its protectorates—confirmed reports are that I have at least 5 children too… with three lady friends, but I don’t recognize one of the kids as mine and I’m actually fighting with the mother to not allow the baby to use the Biden name.
FE: Why is that?
Hunter: The Bidens have been making money off the name Biden for seven decades. If we allow some stripper’s kid to use our name, it will cheapen the brand and the rest of us will suffer.
Don: Ouch, that’s cold, but it’s probably on-brand.
FE: Hunter, Do you think your unacknowledged daughter will have some kind of mental health issues considering President Biden sends out Christmas cards every year to all of the members of your family except her? I mean, that has to sting a bit, no?
Hunter: Expensive psychiatric treatment for massive emotional trauma usually occurs after the age of 18, so I should be fine.
Don: Jesus dude.
FE: Let’s move on. Don, you’ve been accused of sketchy dealings and taking money from China, Russia and Ukraine, now that it has been proven that all of the FBI investigations were baseless, I imagine the democrats like Hunter’s father have sent some letters of apology?
Don: Oddly, no. No one ever apologized. But it does feel good to know that what I’ve said all along is now coming to light.
FE: Hunter, you actually received millions of dollars from China, Russia and Ukraine, but no real investigations or accusations of treason…how are you so much better at this than Don?
Don: Whoa, wait a sec.
Hunter: It’s ok Don; it’s not that I’m better at this than you. You have to understand, our family has been playing the system for 75 years. We know what we’re doing. Rule No.1: Accuse your opponent of doing the things you’re actually doing. It sounds retarded, but it works.
Don: It does sound absurd, but I did this to Eric a lot growing up so I’ll agree with you on this one. My dad still thinks Eric ordered the Playboy channel. He was 4 at the time.
FE: Another thing you guys share in common is a love of guns and the Second Amendment. It’s great to find a political cause you guys align on. Care to discuss this one? We’ll start with Don.
Don: That’s right, not only do I love the outdoors and hunting, but I’m a fanatic about long-range shooting and I believe the Second Amendment is one of the most powerful and important rules ever established in a new country. The Founding Fathers wrote the Second Amendment not to protect hunting, but to protect democracy, and I personally own enough guns to arm a small-to-medium-sized militia.
Hunter: I too am a fan of guns. I bought a handgun once when I was really, really high and in a bit of a bind. I will say, I was so grateful for the Second Amendment. I promise you, you don’t want to be without a gun when you party with the crowd I party with. My friends steal from me all the time.
Don: Hunter, I’m not sure that’s what the Founding Fathers were trying to do with the Second Amendment.
FE: Well, Don, we’re sure that wasn’t the plan, but Hunter has his reasons and who are we to judge some heavy partying and gun play? Don’t be an asshole.
Don: Clearly he’s talking about drug dealers! Do you really expect me to agree with him on this?
FE: Don, stand down.
FE: Don, you were so fired up on Monster Energy and Red Bull that people accused you of being on cocaine while giving your speech during the Republican Convention. Hunter, you actually had cocaine in the White House. Do you guys feel like these things enhance your work lives and social interactions?
Don: I’m not sure these things belong in the same conversation.
FE: Ok, We’d like to ask some rapid fire questions if you guys don’t mind:
Have either of you ever slept with your brother’s wife?
FE: What was your last PornHub search?
Hunter: Hunter Biden. I check daily because one of my “allegedly” misplaced POV’s is bound to land there.
FE: What about your father makes you most proud?
Don: He fights every day for what he believes in and he never gives up. Despite being labeled the worst things imaginable he keeps fighting for America and that’s pretty inspiring.
Hunter: My dad says I’m the smartest guy he knows. He’s watched how I’ve lived my life over the last 15 years and he still says that. It’s the purest form of ignorance and love and I’m proud he’s willing to say these things.
FE: Do you have any bucket list vacation trips coming up?
Don: I am currently working with FEOutrider.com to book a hunting and fishing trip to Greenland. I’ve been wanting to do this for 15 years and hopefully next year it happens.
Hunter: Colombia, South America. I’ve been documenting all sorts of fun things over the last few years. I had an entire Bumfights-style thing in the works where I was the only one doing weird shit and recording it in a gritty way, but I lost all the material a few years back. Anyway, the Colombia trip will give me the chance to do an “origins” type of documentary about some of my favorite things—shot really raw on my iPhone. It’s my art.
FE: Those both sound badass. Hunter, let us know if you have an extra spot on that one. Guys, we really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Our schedules made this almost impossible, but it was really great that the two of you were willing to sit down and chat with one another like adults. Don, we’ll see you soon. Hunter, there’s zero chance you’re not going to prison in the next year, but we’ll definitely check back in with you regardless.
Don: Thanks guys.
Hunter: Dude, this was awesome.
10 Minutes Later…
Hunter: (returns to the set while nervously checking his pockets) Guys, did I leave anything in here?
Editor’s note: This interview is clearly satire. For more journalistic excellence, subscribe to the Field Ethos print journal, the only magazine for the unapologetic man.