Bourbon, Rocks

By Jack Brandt

In my view, the more complicated the cocktail, the worse it is. 

A whiskey sour might at first seem like a neat idea when the barkeep asks, “What’ll it be?,” and you want to be different … until you see him all too eagerly whisk the egg white and layer it in your drink while winking and wishing you “Happy Pride Month.” In the meantime, all the other patrons in line who are just there to toss back brews and hit on chicks begin tapping their credit cards on the bartop like Tony Montana and mouthing “WTF” toward the dim ceiling lights. 

The answer is: bourbon, rocks. Simple and fast for the barkeep, it’s a timeless libation that should take under 12 seconds to make yourself at home—25 if your cooler with the bag of convenience store ice is in the garage. Humor me as I explain how, as if you didn’t already know.

  1. Find a heavy highball glass, or something like a Yeti Lowball if it’s summer and you plan on getting hammered outside. 
  2. Grab a handful of ice cubes and toss ‘em in the glass like you’re slam-dunking a Nerf ball in a Fisher Price mini goal. If a host offers you a single large cube, be grateful, but avoid messing around with those stupid ice balls that are the current scourge of man-gifts. Keep it simple, Jack.
  3. Pour some good Kentucky bourbon—I prefer Chicken Cock because it’s delicious, fairly priced, and because it’s one of the few alcohol companies ballsy enough to sponsor Field Ethos—until the glass is ¾ full … or half-full if it’s hotter than Hell out and you failed to take my advice on using an insulated cup. (Or fill that bitch to the brim if you’re in the mood for some speed drinking; what do I care?)   
  4. If you have a stack of cocktail napkins handy, grab one. It adds an easy touch of class to an otherwise caveman drink when handing it to a guest. Plus, I’ve found that the best ideas come while drinking, and they always fit on one side of a napkin.  

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