Pizza Rolls

Pizza Rolls

Pizza Rolls are the perfect ending to a day hard earned. 

Their enriched flour crust is both soft and chewy, the mechanically-separated chicken and pork formed pepperoni droppings swimming in a divine tomato puree bursts in flavor upon the tongue, and the imitation mozzarella cheese is literally the glue that holds it all together. Pizza Rolls are truly a gift from the culinary gods.

No, they’re not.

They suck.

And they barely qualify as food – even with all the extra stuff I put on them.

I usually eat Pizza Rolls when I’m pretty good and hammered after a day of drinking most of a case of the low-calorie beer my physician insists I drink rather than the full-bodied Mexican beer I truly love. 

“You’re literally drinking all your calories,” my doctor warned during my last physical.


You’re correct.

I’m a writer and have lots of issues to drown.

Back to the Pizza Rolls…

My Pizza Rolls are cheap and, as I hinted at earlier, can be made even by a person not fully functional or capable of passing a sobriety test.

Try them the next time you’ve had a hard day of writing and self-realization.


  • A lot of beer
  • 1 50 count bag of Totino’s Pizza Rolls or some cheap no-name store brand equivalent
  • ½ handful of shredded cheese – I like habanero
  • Hot sauce – I like Frank’s Red Hot or good ol’ Tabasco
  • 1 jar sliced jalapeños


  1. Start drinking. I mean really chase those low-cal beers down. I like to do this after something both strenuous and stupid – say, mowing the yard in 100-degree weather then forgoing water. 
  2. Repeat #1 numerous times.
  3. Look around the kitchen and ask yourself why you never buy any actual food unless your kids are coming over. As a writer with issues that does things like drink heavily after a slight brush with heat stroke, I sometimes do this in different character voices. “Dam! I ain’t got no food off in here!” I exclaim as a swamp dweller from Cajun Country. Or, “Good Lord, it appears as though there’s little in the way of food in this domicile,” I’ll say as gone but not forgotten epic hunter Prince Phillip. Have fun! After all, you’re a writer and live alone.
  4. Grab the Pizza Rolls from the freezer. 
  5. Have another beer.
  6. Dump about half of the Pizza Rolls on a paper plate. Put in microwave and hit the “Popcorn” button twice.
  7. Remove plate from microwave and turn over Pizza Rolls. Put plate back in the microwave and press the “Popcorn” button.
  8. Give your dog a dog treat so she’ll stop staring at you with a great sense of pity and unease.
  9. Remove plate from microwave. Cover Rolls with a handful of cheese and about a dozen jalapeños. Put plate back in the microwave and press the “Popcorn” button.
  10. Kill your beer. Start drinking another.
  11. Drown your Pizza Rolls in hot sauce and start eating while swearing to actually buy some food and start exercising regularly the next day.
Pizza rolls with Frank's Red Hot and a light beer.
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