If you’re reading this, you’re a real piece of shit. I could go on, but because time is ticking I’ll get right to it:
- You can’t go wrong with ammo because it’s like gold; you may not even use it, but it’s a form of currency if things go full Fauci. It doesn’t spoil, and you can never have enough. But rather than buying your boss a box of 12 ga. No. 8s or another 50 rounds of 9mm, buy something that’ll turn heads—like True Velocity in .308 Win. This stuff is top shelf, premium ammo that features a white polymer case. I promise it will stop your buddy in his tracks as he’s fingering your guns after dinner. “What in the holy futuristic wizardry is this?!” he’ll crow, because he was positive he’d seen it all. That’s when you’ll tell him it’s the new generation of plastic case ammunition that’s 30 percent lighter and more uniform than brass, and that he must’ve been that bullheaded moron back in 1992 who proclaimed, “I’ll never own a plastic gun.” True Velocity uses Nosler AccuBond bullets and is some of the most accurate ammo I’ve ever fired, thanks at least in part to a ridiculously low standard deviation in velocity among rounds. It’s expensive, but, like a Cuban cigar, it will stand out among a sea of gold. $70 per box
- “A gun, any fucking gun!” I tell people all the time. Yes, we have damn-near everything, but we’re genetically programmed to covet all guns. So if you buy us another Glock 19, AR-15 or Winchester M70, we must love it.
But the reality is, there are so many new and badass guns on the market that it’s not hard to buy something they don’t have. For example, for 2023 Sig just released a .380 version of its venerable P365 called the P365-380. Of course I’d never recommend this to your guy friends, but for your petite wife or your sweet mother who reared your ungrateful ass from birth, it’s bitchin’. $500
If you have a very special homie, as in, he introduced you to your supermodel nympho girlfriend, or he saved your life in a bar fight and then bailed you out of jail because you started it, I suggest the FE Conflict Rifle. It’s an AK-47 from Kalashnikov USA that might have actually seen battle before it was picked up, dusted off and imported. Now, I’ve never been an AK aficionado myself, but I acknowledge that this is the rifle that has killed more commies than any other rifle (commies are wonderful at killing commies) and so every American gun collector needs one in the safe to show off. Or for when cometh the red dawn. $1,600
- If the receiver of your gift is a hunter, you can’t go wrong with anything from Kuiu, the maker of the best hunting apparel in the world. Yes, it’s expensive, so figure out your budget and go from there. But I know of no sporting man or woman who wouldn’t love a Kuiu vest. If they are serious hunters, go with the Superdown Ultra Vest, a water resistant, goose down number that weighs just 4 ounces and can be stuffed into a pocket. There again, if her version of “outdoorsy” means Syrah by the firepit, go with the Woman’s Basecamp Sweater Vest. Either way, you’re a POS-turned-last-minute-hero. Superdown, $200; Basecamp Sweater Vest, $70
- I’m not sure what it is about good optics, but every man I know goes apeshit for a name-brand, top-end scope or red dot. (Well, I do know what it is, and it stems from the fact that good optics are expensive, and we don’t want to pay more for the optic than for the gun itself, and so we love getting them as gifts.) I recommend Aimpoint’s Micro H-2, because it’s the only red dot sight in history that actually works every time when you turn it on because the batteries actually last for years. It’s tough as hell, versatile (works on shotguns, crossbows, rifles and big revolvers) and installs in seconds. Trust me, if you don’t know what to get someone and they are worth the cash to you, get them an Aimpoint. $800
- If your kid graduated from a Red Ryder long ago and still has a sporting bone in his body, no doubt he’s already got a few real guns by now. But if he lives somewhere that he can’t actually shoot them often—and you trust the heir to your kingdom—now is the perfect time to get him a man’s airgun. AirForce makes many models of uber-accurate, powerful airguns, but its Talon is reasonably priced and is available in larger-than-.177 caliber for more penetration on small game. Fact is, practice is what makes great shooters, and in many jurisdictions (and large basements) a quality airgun makes practical sense. Note: If you do buy an AirForce, buy a kit so you can refill its tank. rifle, $530; rifle kit; $830
- So many people get shoes for Christmas, but rather than those ridiculous, overpriced, shoe-shaped Yeezees or whatever the hell they’re called, go with something your friend, child or life partner can actually use for something useful: hunting boots. I swear by Meindl because from the sheep mountains to the deer woods, they’ve never let me down. They form to your foot the more you wear them, are warm, waterproof and they don’t fall apart. Trust me, they’re worth it. $350
- Finally, if you really, really love someone you’ll give them the only gift that says: “Not only do I adore you, but your incessant shooting annoys the shit out of me, so here’s the silencer you’ve always been too cheap to buy for yourself.” And then forward them this link to the SilencerCo Hybrid 46M on SilencerCentral’s website and tell them to buy it (they must under federal law) and you’ll reimburse them. I believe SilencerCo’s Hybrid 46m is one of the best and most versatile suppressors going, and SilencerCentral makes the whole bullshit, governmental red tape process as easy as it can possibly be. After nine months pass when your son or hunting lease partner finally receives their can, I promise they’ll love you back. And because you will no longer have to wear hearing protection, it truly is the gift that gives, Clark. $915
