By Will Dabbs, MD
Today’s life lesson concerns the many manifest dangers of smoking. Of all the self-inflicted idiotic things that human beings voluntarily visit upon themselves, I’m not convinced but that cigarettes might be the dumbest. Smoking kills 478,000 Americans per annum. That’s roughly the same number of folks lost to COVID in its first year. We shut down the entire planet over that. As regards cigarettes, nobody much cares.
Statistically speaking, each and every cigarette subtracts 12 minutes off of a normal lifespan. Do that two or three times when you’re 15, and you’ll never miss it. However, 10 to 20 times a day for 20 or 30 years, and that’s gonna leave a mark.
There are good ways and bad ways to die. Drowning in your own fluids one drop at a time is on the less desirable end. In addition to costing a fortune and making both you and your belongings stink like a stale house fire, cigarettes carry other latent risks. Now hold that thought…
‘Twas a Dark and Stormy Night…
I was working in the Emergency Department of a Level 1 trauma center. Goblin-on-goblin crime, old people trying to die, motor vehicle accidents, and ventilated gladiators aplenty—the ER was Candyland for an adrenaline junkie with a robust constitution. And then there was this guy.
Our hero was in his early 40s but appeared older than his stated age. He rolled in by ambulance. At first brush it seemed as though he had been extracted from the bowels of some runaway machine.
There were several bad fractures, and his skin looked like he had crawled into a sleeping bag alongside an operational bench grinder. He sported some impressive thermal injuries over his face and arms. His eyebrows along with much of his shirt were burned away. By some legit miracle, his brain remained incongruously intact.
Surprisingly, this torn-up guy was both conscious and lucid. Once we cut his clothes off and got the lay of the land, I inquired regarding his story. The details never really much mattered, but we always asked. Unfettered curiosity is not the sole purview of the feline.
Details
This gentleman had been cruising down the interstate perhaps a quarter-hour from home when the cravings hit. Not satisfied simply to sit tight until he could address his addiction with a more singular focus, our hero cracked the window and fished out a ciggie along with his favorite Zippo lighter. He continued driving with his lizard brain while he prepped to service his raging nicotine habit.
I’m obviously not much into smoking myself. The Zippo, however, I get. Though I’ve never smoked anything, I religiously carried a Zippo lighter for years.
The humble Zippo is the embodiment of mechanical perfection. You also just never know when you might need to set something alight. This guy snapped his lighter open only to find that it was, tragically, bereft of fuel. Now he had a decision to make.
He could think about something else for 15 minutes and tend to things safely once he got home. Or he could drive using The Force and recharge his lighter from the squeeze bottle of Ronsonol he kept in his glove box. This lunatic naturally chose option two.
Things Get Real
I-55 through the heart of Jackson, Mississippi, is a perennially corrugated motorway. Driving crudely with his knees, this gentleman disassembled his Zippo with some difficulty, somehow pried open the child-resistant cap on the Ronsonol, and spilled about half the bottle on himself as he successfully refilled his lighter. Tossing the lighter fluid container into the backseat, he slid a Marlboro between his lips and flicked his trusty Zippo to life, promptly setting himself on fire.
Now visualize the scene: All thought of his cigarette now forgotten, this man now found himself actively conflagrating within the confines of his automobile. Justifiably discomfited by his sordid circumstances, the dude did what any of us might in a similar situation: He popped open the door, and leapt out of the car.
It was a legit miracle this flaming guy wasn’t rendered hors de combat by the next passing semi-truck. As it was, he somehow avoided splattering his brains across the concrete and flopped unceremoniously to a stop on the shoulder. Despite his extensive somatic injuries, at least the violence of his ejection had fortuitously extinguished the flames.
Ruminations
So, what‘s the overarching message here? I think I’ve made a compelling logical argument that smoking cigarettes is not awesome. In addition to giving you cancer, costing you as much as a decent 401(k) over the course of a lifetime, and making it impossible to go out and check your mail without getting short of breath, a proper smoking habit can also see you ejected from a fast-moving vehicle at highway speeds while on fire.
Editor’s note: The preceding statements alleging the negative effects of smoking tobacco have not been evaluated nor approved by Field Ethos Director of Recreation and Entertainment John Hill and should be regarded solely as the opinion of the author.
