FE Decorating Guide

By Andrew Court

It’s become an internet cliche, the guy’s apartment with just a lazy boy in front of the TV. The more evolved version involves beer, a pizza box, and video games. Definitely zero art on the stark white walls. 

For the record I love living like this. Stuff can be a prison and it’s remarkably liberating to not have any of it. When I was single, The living room was fully decorated but the bedroom was just a mattress on the floor. I figured if I got the girl upstairs the lack of decor probably wouldn’t matter all that much.

The problem is I’m now in a relationship, and you probably are too. This means the number of flowery-scented lotions and potions in the bathroom multiplies weekly, and you’ve had to learn to live with throw pillow and blanket quantities that’d make an Ottoman Sultan blush.

God help the man who has been told “we need more storage space”. Welcome to a Penrose staircase of containers to house boxes full of cartons that arrived in other packages.

Field Ethos is nothing if not proactive. Your best course of action is leaning into decorating, otherwise you risk getting cut out of the process entirely. That spirals into Live Laugh Love dangerously quickly.

In this spirit, here’s our guide to interior decoration. If asked where you got these ideas, say Pinterest and she won’t question it. They are also great for bachelor pads if, for some reason, you decide to turn Call of Duty off and look around your home. 

1. Taxidermy is Cool, with a Few Ground Rules: Because of the nature of Field Ethos, this seems like a pretty good place to start. Generally avoid anything common locally. Let me use fishing as an example: The record smallmouth I caught in high school was a cliche in my Ohio bedroom, but a conversation piece in my New York City apartment. A sailfish in Idaho is eclectic, if you have one in Florida it means the Tiki bar you used to own went bankrupt. Quality outranks quantity as a few excellent pieces go a long way. 

2. Pay Up for Leather Furniture: The main reason is simple, it doesn’t age, it instead acquires patina. In my apartment I have a beat up brown leather recliner a friend used as his smoking chair on the porch while he awaited sentencing for insider trading. There was nothing I could do for him, but I was able to save the weatherbeaten and forlorn piece of furniture. Serious interior designers have offered me thousands for it because of its “lived in” aesthetic. I might sell, depending on the outcome of the next parole board hearing. 

3. Vintage Posters Are Your Friend: Think the elevated version of the shit you had on your college dorm room wall. Here’s a secret, if it’s not a copy, and costs a few hundred bucks, it’s now an antique that belongs in an adult’s home. Bonus points if it’s in a foreign language. My Italian Roger Moore Bond poster, well framed, has been a smash hit.

4. Get an Oriental Rug: These look classy, but also hide the stains from watching ESPN and eating Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos at 3:00 a.m.  To be totally honest, even a fake, not hand made one will do. The Chinese versions you can find on Wayfair have artificial imperfections to trick you into thinking they are artisanal, sort of the way every liberal woman thinks her blue hair is super unique. 

5. Don’t Make Your Living Room Entirely About the TV: I am guessing that if you made it this far you’re at least partially literate, so you should have a living room that reflects it. Don’t get me wrong, I like my high-end OLED as much as the next guy, but I fucking hate to have my limited space revolve around it. The inverse is true for bookshelves, I always make them the center of attention. I don’t spend as much time reading as I’d like, but at least a shelf full of weighty tombs is intellectually aspirational. In the worst case scenario I have to turn my head slightly when I watch Yellowstone or, *cough*, Dancing with the Stars.

You May Also Like